Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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