Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
