i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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