I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
