so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
