I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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