Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
