The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize