I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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