She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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