Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
