you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
