Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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