I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Randomize
