Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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