Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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