i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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