He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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