a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
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