So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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