my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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