I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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