take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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