arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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