Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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