idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
