I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
