if you like me you must not know who I am
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize