I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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