dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
