i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
