PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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