Moan for me like Helen Keller
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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