Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
