What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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