shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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