I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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