I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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