How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
