Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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