I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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