i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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