i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
