Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
