alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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