Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
