now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
