I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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