Cold hands, warm shart.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
