how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
