there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
