so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
