She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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