Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just had sex bonerless
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
