Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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