u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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